We’re Just Friends. Really!

Close friendship with the opposite sex --can it work?

Friendships with the opposite sex can get complicated fast. But if you handle things well, these friendships have the potential to teach you volumes about interacting with the opposite sex.

The following guest post, written by Allison Moy, explores the dynamics of male-female friendships and looks at their value. Allison also offers advice on how to make these friendships work.

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How many of your close friends are guys and how many are girls? If you’re like most people, your closest friends are guys if you’re a guy, and girls if you’re a girl. Why is that? Do we naturally feel more comfortable socializing or opening up to people of our own sex? Or is there a fear that romantic emotions may emerge and destroy a solid friendship? Or do we simply gravitate towards our own sex because of similar interests (i.e. the most stereotypical examples: women enjoy shopping together while men enjoy watching sports together)? All these reasons are valid.

During my three years at UC Berkeley I formed many close friendships –mostly with males. Spending so much time with the testosterone-infused, I learned a great deal about what it takes to create solid male-female friendships (and much about the male lifestyle for better and worse). Here’s what I have to say about sustaining close platonic friendships with the opposite sex.

Give and Take

People prefer to interact with others who have similar interests. This is a big reason why we form friendships within our own sexes. To carry on close opposite-sex friendships, you have to be open towards new experiences. Girls: embrace video games, explore beers (at least a cider), learn how to throw a football (and eventually join in on a game!) or become a master at paintballing. Guys: embrace shopping, explore wines, learn how to cook, or become a master at yoga. But you also have to be willing and patient to impart your hobbies to the opposite sex. This is where you put in the effort. It’s amazing how much you learn through experiences with the opposite sex. Seriously, what guy would invite his guy friend to yoga?

Don’t hold back

Be yourself. Even your embarrassing self. Actually, the more embarrassing the better. Men and women love a good laugh and when you become afraid of what the opposite sex will think, you miss out on some great memories. Besides, if you’re forming close friendships with the opposite sex, you might as well reveal the side you’re less proud of. They’ll find out sooner or later. How you act when you’re around the bros or the girl friends should be no different from how you would act with the opposite sex. Being silly merely adds another dimension to your personality and may make you more interesting.

Don’t worry about emotions

There is always the chance that friends can develop romantic feelings for each other (and sometimes these feelings are not mutual) in opposite-sex friendships. Emotions can’t always be controlled, but you can always control how you let emotions affect a friendship. If your friendship is truly important to both of you, it will work itself out. This isn’t to say it will be easy to deal with, but true friends stick it out no matter what. If feelings do develop, just talk it out and give each other some space for a while. Overtime the emotions will fade and your friendship will remain strong. There’s no reason why this situation should be awkward or detrimental. Feelings are a part of human nature. If both of you discover that you are even better as a couple, great! (does “You Belong with Me” by Taylor Swift sound familiar?)

No conversational topic is off limits

Conversations you would have with the opposite sex can be the same as those you would have with the same sex. There is no reason why certain topics must be off limits. Girls, do you need advice on how an article of clothing looks on you? Talk to your close guy friend. Guys, you want to rate how hot girls are as they stroll by on the street? Have your close girl friend join in. You’d be surprised by how much insight about life you gain from the opposite sex’s opinion on “manly conversations” or “womanly conversations.”

Why have close opposite-sex friendships?

Here are a few things we gain from friendships with the opposite sex:

First, you learn how the opposite sex thinks and acts. It’s like stepping into a foreign country and learning their customs because there are differences between the male and female minds. By better understanding the opposite sex, you can approach romantic relationships with more confidence. Plus, you’d have a close friend with a distinctly different perspective to give you insight on life when you need it.

Second, by adopting some of the opposite sex’s hobbies you become more attractive to the opposite sex. I believe it’s safe to say that guys dig girls who have some “guy” in them and women dig men who have some “girl” in them. Men are intrigued by women who know their sports, drive stick, or enjoy playing Call of Duty 4. Women are intrigued by men who know how to dress well, cook or enjoy the occasional romantic movie. True?

Takeaways

If you are in a relationship with someone who has a close opposite-sex friendship, don’t feel threatened by the other guy (or girl). As long as you trust nothing will happen between the two friends, there is no reason to think that male-female friendships are different from same-sex friendships.

Many ways to succeed in male-female friendships also apply to romantic relationships. Just be open with one another. That’s all it comes down to.

If you treat your friendships with men and women equally, then you will be successful in making a bro out of a girl or a girl friend out of a guy.

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Allison Moy is a recent UC Berkeley graduate with a degree in Integrative Biology. Her interests include good food, nice clothes, optometry, and making friends.

The Romance Niche

There is a reason why romance novels are the #1 selling fiction genre in the United States –romance novels occupy a small but seemingly insatiable niche in women’s lives (the vast majority of romance readers is female). They occupy the romance niche.

In business, the term “niche” refers to a category of consumer demand that a business thrives in. Apple dominates the portable MP3 player niche. An ice cream shop belongs to the cold desserts niche. A car dealer belongs to the personal vehicle niche.

Depending on the kind of relationship you want with a person, you must act according to the role. Friends act like friends, lovers act like lovers, and co-workers act like co-workers. Things get messy, however, when one person in Category A wants to occupy Category B in someone else’s mind. Ever heard of guys trying to get out of the dreaded “friend zone” and form a relationship? In this case the guy occupies the friendship niche but actually wants to occupy the romance niche.

What are the elements of romance? (Photo: A scene from the classic romance film, Casablanca)

(Certainly a lover can also be a friend, but his/her primary role is always that of a lover. One common reason why couples lose “the spark” is because they forget their primary roles as lovers and become more like friends…)

You can’t appeal to a niche unless you address its needs properly. A car dealer is not going to satisfy the new car niche by selling used cars. Likewise, a friend cannot satisfy the romance niche unless he/she can offer romance. Something has to change. The friend has to learn the business of romance.

While there are many elements of romance, I will list a few commonalities I’ve seen in my friends’ relationships, in my experiences,  as well as in movies, books, plays, etc. This list is not meant to be exhaustive. Elements of the romance niche include:

Deep emotional connection: She looks into his eyes and feels like he knows her better than anybody else does. When he holds her, she feels like no other girl he’s ever held –there’s a layer of powerful emotions attached to her.  None of us can imagine a romantic relationship without deep emotional connection. How do these connections form? They form through shared experiences, conversation, spending time together, etc. One of the main reasons why people go on dates is to create opportunities to form the emotional connections that are necessary for romance.

“In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from one man, rather than the applause of thousands of people.” -Judy Garland (American actress and singer)

Male-female polarity: A straight man is unlikely to feel attracted to an overly masculine woman. Likewise a straight woman is unlikely to feel attracted to an overly feminine man. Look at how differently men and women dress when they want to attract the opposite sex –women wear elegant dresses and perfume their necks, men put on casual-cool shirts and handsome shoes. Appearance and behavior affect the male-female polarity. One could write volumes about what behaviors contribute and detract from the polarity, but ultimately the rule is this: If you are not viewed as part of your sex (i.e. male or female) in the opposite’s eyes, you’re probably not going anywhere romantically.

Romantic adventure: It’s hard to describe what make an adventure romantic or not. A hike through the mountains can be a pleasant friendly experience or a scintillating romantic trek. An adventure becomes romantic when it possesses properties found in the romance niche. If you fill adventure with emotional connection and male-female polarity, as well as other aspects of romance like physical touch, and you get a “romantic adventure.” Also, certain activities tend to be associated with romance more than others (who knows why). Stargazing together at night is more likely to feel romantic than weeding the grass together in the backyard.

Physical touch: Not only can physical touch indicate your interest, but also it can send the message, “I’m not afraid to reveal my desires for you.” Both of these things can be attractive if done at the right time. Imagine a husband telling his wife, “I love you and desire you” but not ever holding her or touching her. Would she believe him? Actions often speak louder than words. You cannot have romance without desire, and physical touch is one of the most powerful ways to convey that desire.

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” -Ingrid Bergman (actress in the film Casablanca)

Sex: I’ve never heard of romantic love devoid of sexual desire. Love for another devoid of sexual desire is called platonic love. Now, the term “sex” needn’t mean the full home-plate act. Kissing, caressing, etc. are all sexually charged actions. Some believe that sexual desire is a response to romantic love. Others believe that romantic love cannot exist without that sexual desire in the first place. Some draw no distinction between the two. It’s a chicken and the egg debate, but the important message is that sex and romantic love are closely tied.

Now, a few final words.

Guys: Understanding what helps and hinders romance is essential to forming romantic connections. I was at Café Durant today and heard this guy talking to his cute female friend about how his Blackberry keeps freezing when he does something with the software. She nodded mechanically while looking at the menu. Now, they could have been friends –great. But if he talks to her about Blackberries and software all day I can guarantee they will be nothing more than friends. Can you connect emotionally by discussing software and technology? It’s very unlikely. She might admire him for his mastery of technology, but will she feel that powerful attraction that comes with deep emotional connection? Try saving the dry technical conversations for later and talk about things with more emotional worth.

Girls: Believe it or not, we guys can enjoy romance as much as you do (but guns and explosions are sometimes more exciting). Unfortunately, we’re not born experts on it (why is it that girls seem more in tune with romance than guys, by default?). If a guy isn’t romantic, it doesn’t mean that he cannot appreciate romance –he’s simply at an earlier stage in his romantic education (I’m no expert either). If you can drop hints and help him out, he’ll probably pick things up and become more romantic over time. Also, don’t discount the Nice Guy. In many cases they’re just waiting for the right time to be romantic (the time is NOW, guys! NOW!).

Also note that more meaningful (typically long-term) relationships depend on romance more heavily than hook-ups or “friends with benefits” relationships do. When I speak of romance, I almost always speak of it in the context of more meaningful, longer-term relationships.

Ahhh, romance. It livens the soul.

“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.” -Elinor Glyn (British novelist and early pioneer in the romance genre)

Flakes and Flakiness

The only good flake is a corn flake.

It’s safe to say that everyone in college has had experience with a flaky person. Chances are, if you’re a college student, you’ve probably flaked on someone yourself (I hope not, though).

So what is “flaking,” exactly? According to urban dictionary, flaking is “bailing out of something at the last minute.” In other words, a person flakes when he/she has made an agreement to do something with another person on a specific time and day but either: i) gives short notice on a schedule change or ii) just forgets about the event and doesn’t show up.

The latter case is rarer and isn’t important because it’s just stupid. If a person can’t remember events he (or she) plans, there is no foundation to schedule things with him (or her). Forget it. The first case is more interesting. First, what is “short notice”? Everyone has a different definition, but I will pose that “short notice” is less than 1 day of notice.

Yes, people will make plans and then change them with less than a day’s notice (for various reasons). If you are one of these short-notice flakes, STOP.

Of course there are some justifiable reasons to change plans on short notice. If an emergency, illness, or some amazing opportunity (like being invited to a Barack Obama’s house to watch the World Cup, followed by mini-golf with Steve Jobs) comes up, fine. But for normal everyday occurrences, there are few reasons to switch one plan for another at the last minute.

What if Event B (just came up) is relatively more important or more fun than Event A (originally planned a week ago)? Well, the course of action depends on your values. If you don’t mind the fact that rescheduling Event A will (probably) negatively affect others’ schedules, then go for it! If you evaluate B and realize that sticking to your plans with Event A is better than switching to B, then stick with A. Your friends will probably appreciate the latter course of action.

Whenever you schedule something, you block out a chunk of time. By scheduling things with other people, they block out the same chunk of time on their schedules. In the meantime they are likely to stumble upon many events, gatherings, movies, etc. that could have occupied that chunk of time. Sticking to the schedule, however, your friends will keep that chunk of time scheduled for you. “Ah sorry that movie sounds great, but I already have plans to get dinner with such-and-such so I can’t make it,” your friends will say to their peers.

If you flake on a person, you can deal a lot of “time damage” if the event was dependent on you (i.e. a get-together at your house, a dinner date, etc.). First, that chunk of time has now been freed up in others’ schedules now that you flaked. Depending on how short notice the schedule change is, it may be difficult to reallocate that newly available time in a useful way.

I once got a phone call a half hour before a scheduled meet up saying that we had to raincheck (the reason for the raincheck wasn’t even that good). Suddenly, I found myself with three hours opened up on a Sunday afternoon. I’ve always got a zillion books to read, so finding a use for three hours is not too hard for me. Reading books on a Sunday afternoon isn’t my favorite use of Sunday, though. I could have scheduled a movie with friends, planned a trip to San Francisco, etc. for that time chunk. With less than a half hour of time to react, planning something like this is out of the question.

There are many things you can do to combat time damage from flakes. The first thing to do is to make sure you schedule things with people who are actually excited about the event. For example if you’re a guy (switch the genders if you’re a girl) and you want to schedule a coffee date with a girl, make sure she really (and I mean really) wants to meet up for coffee with you. This is a complicated task and isn’t easy to explain in a short post, but basically you need to trust your gut.

If you ask, “Hey let’s get coffee on Friday. Are you free at 7 pm?” and she checks her schedule and says, “Sure coffee at 7 sounds good, but I might be busy then so I’ll give you a call that afternoon to let you know if I can make it” then my friend, you have a high chance of getting flaked on. I would not even call this an instance of flaking because the event hasn’t been completely scheduled yet. A “Yes I can do A on the condition that B doesn’t happen” is NOT an agreement to schedule something. If you get this response from someone, ask for a better time when she will not be busy and get it “hard scheduled.”

Soft scheduling: Sure, let’s meet up for lunch next week.

Hard scheduling: Let’s meet up for lunch next Tuesday at 1 PM, at X restaurant.

Time is valuable. This is why people flake in the first place –they find other more valuable uses of the time. If we all appreciate that other people value their time, however, I think flaking will become rarer and rarer (this assumes that people care about how they directly affect other people). After all, flaking sends the message: “I’m going to go do something more valuable with my time. Your time isn’t that important to me, sorry.” Do we really want to send that message to people?

Also if you flake on people today, you make it more likely for others to flake on you tomorrow. Respect others’ time, and others will respect your time.

If someone flakes on you or does an unreasonably short notice schedule change, voice yourself. Let ‘em know you don’t appreciate it –or do like they do in business: don’t plan future business with that person. Find other friends!

PS: I apologize to anybody I have flaked on in the past. If I have done this to you, let me know and I will make amends (aka give you chocolate)!

Digital Interaction: Blessing or Curse?

In this new digital age, we have many new ways to communicate with each other. Facebook, twitter, email, chat, phones, SMS messaging, etc. have blessed us with many ways to get people’s attention. But they’ve also cursed us with many ways to have our attention interrupted. This hurts us socially in the real world.

Digital communication has a bad habit of shortening our attention spans while also making it easy to forget that the person you’re talking to at the other end has feelings. Computers lack emotion, but humans are responsive to disrespect and annoying behavior.

Nowadays when I’m mid-chat with a person and they suddenly log off or vanish, I don’t get upset at all –I learned that it was a normal part of digital communication (sadly). In most cases the person just got sidetracked or the computer crashed. Doesn’t matter. But in general, I don’t think it’s good practice to just leave a conversation (real-world or digital) without offering a clear ending to the interaction (i.e. “goodbye”). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been talking to a person on Google chat or FB chat or any chat where they suddenly become unresponsive even after a period of high responsiveness. This is frustrating because it forces me to either wait or just leave the conversation completely. In the real world, it would be incredibly awkward to talk to a person a lot and then all the sudden stop talking for 15 minutes. We forget this facet of social interaction in the digital realm.

Computers also allow us to talk to more than one person at the same time. This divides our attention so instead of giving each person our whole mind, we give them 1/3 or 1/5 or whatever. Multitasking is great, but when it comes to talking to people on a personal level, I think it’s important to focus in on that. When I talk to people via google chat or phone I try to focus in on that single conversation. Would you appreciate it if your friends only listened to you with half attention? If not, then why do it to other people?

Example of how computers have affected our real world behaviors: We often pick up our cell phones while in the middle of conversation with real world people (or worse, we’ll text other people even while mid-conversation with a person). “Hold on, I have a call,” we’ll say as we answer the phone. I know people do not mean rudeness by this, so I do not mind, but sometimes I think, “C’mon, we were talking about something interesting and this interruption is kinda wasting my own time.” If you think about it, it’s not considerate to the person you’re talking to if you just freeze out of the current interaction and handle some business on the phone. You’re basically putting that person on “pause.” Watch how people act when one person in the interaction answers a phone and freezes out temporarily. Sometimes it’s awkward.*

When I get calls while in the middle of a real conversation or interaction or date or whatever, I usually double click the “send to voicemail” button on my phone. Whether I’m talking to a friend, professor, or cute girl –voicemail it is (I don’t even check the caller ID). Nothing is so urgent (unless I’m expecting an urgent call) that it can’t wait an hour. Besides, the person at the other end of the call knows that sometimes people can’t answer their phones so it’s not like you’re offending him or her by not picking up. As long as you respond to voicemail within a reasonable time (i.e. within the day) you’ll be fine.

Phones (voice and text), gchat, facebook, gchat + voice and/or video, etc. are nice quick ways to grab someone’s attention, but I dislike using them too much. One can certainly learn techniques to connect with people over the phone and internet, but NOTHING compares to real life interaction. In fact, digital communication may actually be doing more harm to social interaction than good.

Here’s some interesting reading:

NPR article on teens and texting

A funny article about cell phones, published by the Florida State University’s student newspaper.

New Yorker article about Facebook and social skills.

*There are ways to exploit the interaction vacuum created by answering a phone, but that’s a topic for another post

Safety and Comfort

“I want to sit next to Mommy on the plane. I want to be safe!” the child shouted.

I was in line to board my plane back to the Bay Area. I at first shrugged off the child’s desire for safety as silliness. Of course you’re safe, even here in the terminal. Your parents are standing right next to you.

Yet why would the child still feel threatened? Perhaps it’s because of the bright lights in the terminal, the annoying “DING” the ticket-scanner makes every second, the loud banter of people on their cell phones carrying countless conversations about countless topics… Compare that to the comfort of a cushioned chair and a cup of complimentary apple juice, and you start to see why the child might feel safer in the plane.

Statistically the kid is probably safer with his parents on the ground than in the plane. I doubt the kid understands Reason and statistics, but the kid’s fear illustrates an idea: Sometimes Reason tells us that it is safer at point A, but the environment and other factors make it feel safer at point B.

If you can learn how to make people feel comfortable when you socialize with them, you can open up an entire new world of social interaction. First of all, most of us don’t like talking to strangers because our cynical minds have told us that “stranger = danger.” If you can establish familiarity and convey a non-creepy status quickly, you can get out of the “stranger” category and into the “random person” category. From there you can transition to “nice acquaintance,” then to “interesting acquaintance,” and so on and so forth. Secondly, when people are comfortable they tend to be more trusting and less inhibited. This state makes it easier for them to connect with others.

Without comfort, social interaction is impossible and unpleasant!

To the guys: Women are attracted to men they feel safe around. I cannot emphasize this enough! It’s a no-brainer, but it’s worth repeating.

I think this attraction stems from our ancient history. Thousands of years ago when bears and mountain lions roamed the land, a strong man with a club was a valuable asset to have nearby. A strong man with a club could also protect women from other men with clubs who wanted to drag them back to their caves.

The landscape has evolved since those prehistoric times, but the desire for protection is more present than ever. The world has no shortage of creepers, scammers, thieves, and rapists. And let’s not forget terrorists, kidnappers, and other evildoers!

Feminists cry that the role of the male as the protector is dead. While I do not believe a woman needs a man to protect her, having a strong one around certainly adds a feeling of safety to many situations. Am I right?

Perhaps the officially recognized role of protector has been debunked for men (I don’t mind). Still, the world is full of danger and uncertainty. If  a man voluntarily pick up the sword and shield of The Protector (I just saw “How To Train Your Dragon” so I’m thinking about ancient weaponry) he becomes exponentially more attractive to anybody –especially women.

Think about it!

Party Dynamics: Life Accelerated

Hey folks! Sorry for the long intermission. I took a break from writing to focus on schoolwork and other projects that have been going on.

I’ve gone to several house parties this semester. Before this year, I never really liked parties (especially frat parties, they are the worst). My attitude towards them has changed. I can enjoy parties for two reasons:

1. I’ve learned to be more comfortable in my own skin. This reduces inhibition and and makes it easier to have fun and enjoy yourself.
2. Social dynamics at parties are surprisingly similar to, yet incredibly different from real life. Being a part of the dynamics, being able to observe it and participate in it, is incredibly fun.

Writers have written volumes about social dynamics at parties, and the details are beyond the scope of this post. I just want to summarize a few observations I’ve made about party dynamics. I also hope to show that parties, while fun in their own right, can offer invaluable learning experiences in Applied Social Interaction.

I’ve always wondered why humans love to drink alcohol so much. I watch the drunken students stumble and trip over themselves on the dark streets of Berkeley and wonder, “Is that fun?” I’ve never drank myself to that point, and I doubt I ever will. After talking to people about drinking and drinking a bit myself, I’ve concluded:

People like alcohol because drinking it both chemically and socially reduces inhibition, thus making it easier for them to do whatever they want with fewer perceived consequences.

Chemical: This should be obvious. Alcohol affects the brain, numbing the areas responsible for reasoning abilities. Reducing the brain’s ability to reason has a social consequence: The brain, working with fewer thinking resources, is unable to process (or imagine) extraneous social information. Where a normally cautious, shy brain would imagine peer pressure, social minefields, and other immaterial things a drugged brain sees an open road.

Social: The mere presence of alcohol somehow lessens the post-party social impact of your activities. Have you ever heard people say, “Oh I can’t believe I did that! I guess I just had a few too many drinks”?  People are incredibly forgiving about alcohol-related incidents. If you say something insulting or stupid to someone (within bounds, of course), it’s generally accepted that the other person won’t hold it against you in the sober world of real life.

We are inhibited people. If you combine intelligence with social dynamics, you get schemers. People, perhaps unwillingly or unconsciously, think about how others perceive them. Inhibition is natural, and it’s usually a good thing. But inhibition, if allowed to develop too far, hurts the enjoyment you get out of life.

Alcohol helps people get rid of that inhibition. It’s my opinion that you can get rid of the inhibition through serious thinking and hard work in the sober world, but alcohol offers a temporary “quick fix.”

Anyway, on to party dynamics.

Most of the social dynamics of the sober world are still present in the boozed world, but the value system has been warped. For instance, leadership and “alpha” behavior are much more important in party dynamics than normal dynamics (if you are interested in building attraction). In normal social dynamics, you can generally make up any lack in alpha behavior with intelligent thoughts and witty humor. Not so in party dynamics –intelligence and wit appeal to the reasoning parts of the brain.

I will refer to social dynamics at parties as “PD” and normal dynamics as “ND.”

Social proof is more important in PD than in ND, though it is easier to come by and play around with. Since everyone is in a super social mood, you can make friends FAST. As you have fun and keep having fun, people will notice the fun that surrounds you. In ND, you generally don’t need social proof to make friends with people or build attraction (though it certainly helps). At parties, people (especially women) often adopt strong social shields so proof becomes immensely helpful.

Furthermore, the kinetics of social interaction at parties is accelerated. Music is booming, people are moving around all the time, and new people are constantly entering and leaving. You don’t have the luxury of time and a quiet room to have nice conversations and make friends –this is life on speed.

The “social shield” phenomenon is a product of party dynamics. Because the social interaction is accelerated, women are approached more frequently by more guys in less time. Let’s face it: parties are full of creepers. But they’re also full of cool people. The social shield (also known as “bitch shield”) helps women filter out the cool from the uncool.

I never go into a party with intent to meet someone and build attraction. It’s not my scene, and the dynamics are too fierce for me to bother. The party scene can get very hierarchical, and if you try to get into the hierarchy you may end up at the bottom. Alternatively you can transcend the social ladder by not bothering with the hierarchy –do like I do and just worry about having fun and hanging out with pals.

I see value in practicing Applied SI in the party atmosphere. If you can succeed in the harsh environment of party dynamics, you can succeed in real life dynamics. Think of clubs and parties as boot-camp. These scenes are riddled with interesting situations, puzzles, and unpredictable results. Learn to handle them and you’ll learn to handle the calmer, nicer real world.

So the next time you go to a party, observe what’s going on around you (not at the cost of having fun, however!). Don’t worry if you fall on your face and get rejected by people –alcohol makes things somewhat unpredictable. Just see what works and what doesn’t work most of the time. And please, drink responsibly.

Why You Shouldn’t Be Sad on V-Day

A lot of people like to call Valentine’s Day “SAD” day, or “Single’s Awareness Day.” A lot of single people do indeed feel SAD on Valentine’s Day. I used to feel down on V-day too. If you’re feeling sad this weekend, my advice is: DON’T BE.

I’m not saying sad singles should force themselves to be happy on Valentine’s Day. I’m trying to say that there simply is no reason to be sad about being single. No reason at all.

Let’s take the worst-case scenario. No girls (or guys, if you’re a girl reading this) like you. All the girls you go after throw you into the friend zone, and you’re terrible in conversation. You could probably build a space ship easier than you could build attraction.

SO WHAT? You’re still learning, dammit! Stop beating yourself up. I used to beat myself up all the time about this kind of thing. It’s pointless, and you’ll just feel worse than before. Acknowledge that you’d like to be better in a particular area (i.e. talking to women), but recognize that life is so rich and so varied that it’s alright if you don’t get one thing right for a long time. You’ll get it right eventually if you work at it. Don’t let one thing bring down your entire life.

In fact, the sadder you are about being single the lower your chances of wooing someone of the opposite sex (interesting dilemma, huh?). Someone who is sad about being single tends to be needy. You need to be in a relationship with someone you like in order to feel whole. Neediness is unattractive (unless the person you’re going after is a power-hungry neurotic). Sure, you can want to be with someone –it’s human metaphysics to want companionship with someone you admire. You just shouldn’t need to be with someone.

Heck, being single on V-day can be as fun as being in a relationship (and you don’t feel any pressure to buy Hallmark cards for anybody). When one of my friends was single he and his buddy went out to Sproul Plaza with a guitar and a stock of flowers. My friend sang love songs for women while his friend handed them flowers. There was no agenda –it was all FUN.

Use Valentine’s Day as a neediness-gauge. If you find yourself feeling down or depressed, you should dig deep and see why you feel this way. What for this longing, Romeo? Figure it out.

So this Valentine’s Day, go out and enjoy yourself. If you’re in a relationship, please boost the economy and buy chocolates and flowers and whatever else couples buy for each other.

If you’re single, do something fun. Write funny Valentine’s Day cards to all of your female (or male) friends. Serenade a random girl on Sproul with a guitar song you just learned. Buy roses for a homeless woman. Heck I don’t know, do something exciting!

Do something that you typically can’t do while you’re in a relationship. I’m a fan of the phrase, “Turn your weakness into your strength.” So you’re single… Don’t view this as some handicap. View it as a strength!

Good luck, and have fun.

Cardio Chickboxing

I have recently discovered a universal truth about women. So far I have not been able to debunk my findings, so I confidently stand by what I am about to say. What comes next may shock you, but deep down you know it to be true. Here it is:

All college girls at UC Berkeley have gone (or plan to go) cardio kickboxing at the RSF.

In the past week I’ve heard countless girls (ok maybe a half dozen) talk about cardio kickboxing. Several of these girls have even suggested I try it for myself!

Many of these girls tell me that the guy:girl ratio would be “great” for me at cardio kickboxing. This is probably true. If the entire female population of girls at UC Berkeley knows about cardio kickboxing while only a handful of guys have even heard of it, you know the ratio is going to be off balanced.

I don’t think I would enjoy cardio chickkickboxing. I wouldn’t take one of those funky step-up-on-a-box-and-step-down classes, and cardio kickboxing isn’t much different. I just like exercising on my own or playing basketball at the gym.

But my take home message is this: You should never do something just for the girls (or for the guys, if you’re a girl reading this). If you hate wine, don’t go to a wine tasting expo to meet girls/guys. Likewise, if you don’t like cardio kickboxing, don’t go because of the 1:100 guy:girl ratio.

Besides, you will have a terrible experience if you go into something with the attitude, “I’m doing this to meet girls.” The girls you talk to will sense your motive the second you open your mouth, and you’re not being genuine. Plus, you’re not having authentic FUN. People who are genuinely having fun are naturally attractive to other people.

I think you should perform a safety check when deciding to do something that may have more girls than guys. Ask yourself, “Would I, a straight heterosexual male, enjoy doing this even if 100% of the people there were guys?” If the answer is yes, then you know you’re going to an event for fun’s sake. Being able to meet girls you’re interested in will certainly add to the fun, but this shouldn’t be the sole source of your enjoyment.

The same safety check can be performed for girls, but it’s a bit different for them. For girls it seems like the more girls there are, the merrier. Guys tend to walk into a room, see tons of guys and say, “Dude wtf this is a sausage fest.”

On the same token, the fact that cardio kickboxing appears to be a girl-dominated exercise shouldn’t discourage you from going out there and trying it. Walk in with your head held high and enjoy kicking at imaginary enemies while jumping around to a dizzying beat. Go ahead. You know you want to.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll give it a try. Emphasis on maybe.

Simone de Beauvoir: Original PUA

Ok, ok, I’m kidding about the title. Simone De Beauvoir was not a PUA, but I’ll say this: Her observations about women and the men they are attracted to are spot on. While I was reading an excerpt from her book The Second Sex (1952), I thought, “Whoa we knew this about women 50 years ago!? Why does it feel like we’ve only just figured it out?”

Remember when everyone went crazy when Neil Strauss wrote The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists? People thought Neil had discovered untold secrets about women and attraction. Neil may have been the first to write a detailed account of the transformation from Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) to master romancer, but Simone provided the theories and philosophy that would ultimately resurface decades later in the dating and attraction workshops that Neil attended. I wonder if Mystery read any Simone de Beauvoir?

Here’s an excerpt from Beauvoir’s chapter called “The Woman in Love”:

Love will give her back her mother as well as her father, it will give her back her childhood. What she wants to recover is a roof over her head, walls that prevent her from feeling abandonment in the wide world, authority that protects her liberty. This childish drama haunts the love of many women; they are happy to be called “my little girl, my dear child”; men know that the words: “you’re just like a little girl,” are among those that most surely touch a woman’s heart… A young woman will write: “When will he come, he who can dominate me?” And when he comes, she will love to sense his manly superiority.

I’ve talked to many women about what attracts them, and the most common recurring characteristic they are attracted to is… Confidence.

Confidence is something that can only be developed through hard work and patience. It conveys strength and higher status.

This also struck a chord:

This transforming power of love explains why it is that men of prestige who know how to flatter feminine vanity will arouse passionate attachments even if they are quite lacking in physical charm.

I have a message for the guys: Beauvoir is right. You don’t need to look like Taylor Lautner to attract a wonderful woman (though it would certainly help). Countless girls love Taylor Lautner. I suspect they admire his muscles, but they probably admire his stubborn commitment to Kristen Stewart’s character just as much.

Remember that scene in New Moon where Lautner tells Stewart that the pact forbids him from protecting her in Vampire territory? She ignores him and walks into the vampire house. Lautner storms in after her and tells her that the rules don’t matter; he will break the rules to protect her. He’s a friggin renegade.

*Girls in audience melt*

Physical strength is certainly nice to have, but inner strength –the strength that comes with confidence– is even better. YOU personally will be happier, and the girls you meet will be happier.

I can’t believe I watched New Moon. I’m going to watch some bloody war movies to undo the damage.

A Chinese Banquet

I just got home from a Chinese (mostly Cantonese) wedding banquet. I went into the banquet expecting to socialize and make friends with ease. Boy, was I in for a surprise. There are several things I learned about the social dynamics of a Chinese wedding banquet:

1. Less than 50% of the people there know English. And if they do know English, they would probably prefer Cantonese.
2. Introductions are everything. Try talking to people at a table without an introduction; you will get relatively neutral interaction. Then go back to that same table with an old grandpa who was your mom’s father’s best friend back in China, and the whole table loves you.
3. The children know English. They are your friends. They also have gameboys.
4. Knowing Cantonese earns you best-friend status whether or not you’ve met the other person before.
5. You’re going to be sitting at the same table for 2-3 hours doing one thing: eating. Everyone else is eating too, so you really can’t go and socialize with them. Just talk to the people at your table. Oh, they only speak Chinese? Ah well, just smile and nod. Eat, smile, and nod.

Chinese wedding banquets are a lot of fun. You get to eat shark’s fin soup and meet a lot of different people. Of course, things are a lot more interesting if you can speak the language!