The Romance Niche
There is a reason why romance novels are the #1 selling fiction genre in the United States –romance novels occupy a small but seemingly insatiable niche in women’s lives (the vast majority of romance readers is female). They occupy the romance niche.
In business, the term “niche” refers to a category of consumer demand that a business thrives in. Apple dominates the portable MP3 player niche. An ice cream shop belongs to the cold desserts niche. A car dealer belongs to the personal vehicle niche.
Depending on the kind of relationship you want with a person, you must act according to the role. Friends act like friends, lovers act like lovers, and co-workers act like co-workers. Things get messy, however, when one person in Category A wants to occupy Category B in someone else’s mind. Ever heard of guys trying to get out of the dreaded “friend zone” and form a relationship? In this case the guy occupies the friendship niche but actually wants to occupy the romance niche.
What are the elements of romance? (Photo: A scene from the classic romance film, Casablanca)
(Certainly a lover can also be a friend, but his/her primary role is always that of a lover. One common reason why couples lose “the spark” is because they forget their primary roles as lovers and become more like friends…)
You can’t appeal to a niche unless you address its needs properly. A car dealer is not going to satisfy the new car niche by selling used cars. Likewise, a friend cannot satisfy the romance niche unless he/she can offer romance. Something has to change. The friend has to learn the business of romance.
While there are many elements of romance, I will list a few commonalities I’ve seen in my friends’ relationships, in my experiences, as well as in movies, books, plays, etc. This list is not meant to be exhaustive. Elements of the romance niche include:
Deep emotional connection: She looks into his eyes and feels like he knows her better than anybody else does. When he holds her, she feels like no other girl he’s ever held –there’s a layer of powerful emotions attached to her. None of us can imagine a romantic relationship without deep emotional connection. How do these connections form? They form through shared experiences, conversation, spending time together, etc. One of the main reasons why people go on dates is to create opportunities to form the emotional connections that are necessary for romance.
“In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from one man, rather than the applause of thousands of people.” -Judy Garland (American actress and singer)
Male-female polarity: A straight man is unlikely to feel attracted to an overly masculine woman. Likewise a straight woman is unlikely to feel attracted to an overly feminine man. Look at how differently men and women dress when they want to attract the opposite sex –women wear elegant dresses and perfume their necks, men put on casual-cool shirts and handsome shoes. Appearance and behavior affect the male-female polarity. One could write volumes about what behaviors contribute and detract from the polarity, but ultimately the rule is this: If you are not viewed as part of your sex (i.e. male or female) in the opposite’s eyes, you’re probably not going anywhere romantically.
Romantic adventure: It’s hard to describe what make an adventure romantic or not. A hike through the mountains can be a pleasant friendly experience or a scintillating romantic trek. An adventure becomes romantic when it possesses properties found in the romance niche. If you fill adventure with emotional connection and male-female polarity, as well as other aspects of romance like physical touch, and you get a “romantic adventure.” Also, certain activities tend to be associated with romance more than others (who knows why). Stargazing together at night is more likely to feel romantic than weeding the grass together in the backyard.
Physical touch: Not only can physical touch indicate your interest, but also it can send the message, “I’m not afraid to reveal my desires for you.” Both of these things can be attractive if done at the right time. Imagine a husband telling his wife, “I love you and desire you” but not ever holding her or touching her. Would she believe him? Actions often speak louder than words. You cannot have romance without desire, and physical touch is one of the most powerful ways to convey that desire.
“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” -Ingrid Bergman (actress in the film Casablanca)
Sex: I’ve never heard of romantic love devoid of sexual desire. Love for another devoid of sexual desire is called platonic love. Now, the term “sex” needn’t mean the full home-plate act. Kissing, caressing, etc. are all sexually charged actions. Some believe that sexual desire is a response to romantic love. Others believe that romantic love cannot exist without that sexual desire in the first place. Some draw no distinction between the two. It’s a chicken and the egg debate, but the important message is that sex and romantic love are closely tied.
Now, a few final words.
Guys: Understanding what helps and hinders romance is essential to forming romantic connections. I was at Café Durant today and heard this guy talking to his cute female friend about how his Blackberry keeps freezing when he does something with the software. She nodded mechanically while looking at the menu. Now, they could have been friends –great. But if he talks to her about Blackberries and software all day I can guarantee they will be nothing more than friends. Can you connect emotionally by discussing software and technology? It’s very unlikely. She might admire him for his mastery of technology, but will she feel that powerful attraction that comes with deep emotional connection? Try saving the dry technical conversations for later and talk about things with more emotional worth.
Girls: Believe it or not, we guys can enjoy romance as much as you do (but guns and explosions are sometimes more exciting). Unfortunately, we’re not born experts on it (why is it that girls seem more in tune with romance than guys, by default?). If a guy isn’t romantic, it doesn’t mean that he cannot appreciate romance –he’s simply at an earlier stage in his romantic education (I’m no expert either). If you can drop hints and help him out, he’ll probably pick things up and become more romantic over time. Also, don’t discount the Nice Guy. In many cases they’re just waiting for the right time to be romantic (the time is NOW, guys! NOW!).
Also note that more meaningful (typically long-term) relationships depend on romance more heavily than hook-ups or “friends with benefits” relationships do. When I speak of romance, I almost always speak of it in the context of more meaningful, longer-term relationships.
Ahhh, romance. It livens the soul.
Explore posts in the same categories: Attraction“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.” -Elinor Glyn (British novelist and early pioneer in the romance genre)
Tags: Attraction, relationships, Romance
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